In Training!

Must keep this short this week, can only afford to take a few minutes out of my intense training regime! Am in the final training crunch before tonight’s “Stand Up & Bite Me” contest! Have participated (with varying degrees of success) in other comedy contests, so decided, this time, to create a strict regime to ready myself for what will undoubtedly be a bloodbath.

Don’t want to give away too many of my secrets, but here are some highlights of my path to preparedness:

– First half of week – all protein, all the time! (i.e. all Hot Rods, all the time) – This has made me stronger, giving me the stamina to give it my all for the almost 8 minutes I’m required to perform! It has also made me break out in pimples, so pray the cameras do not get too close.

– Second half of the week all carbs (i.e. all popcorn), all the time! I am now enjoying bursts of high energy which will hopefully not fizzle out by the 10:45pm showtime.

– Ear plugs have been worn all week, so that I can remain focussed on my goal – distractions will only deter! The kids seem a little put out, but they know where the crackers and Sunny D are, goddamit!

– Have written “You suck” on each of my competitors Facebook walls. Psych!

– Pacing, a lot. Working on my physical rhythm (and burning off some of the excess carbs, boy they really work!) Cutting edge, I know, but hopefully, effective.

– Later today, plan to do yoga and meditate. Have never attempted either, but will google how to do it and predict I will become a Zen-like machine.

– Subway tokens and Spanx bought and ready to go!

And there you have it, my sure-fire method to dominate!

Oh ya, and just before I leave, plan to scour my inbox for jokes people have sent me over the past while, which I will memorize and execute tonight, because I understand there is a joke-telling aspect to the whole thing.

Gonna be good times.

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