Martha O'Neill

Did you know that Wayne Gretzky’s birthday is January 26th? And did you know that the work “posh” originated from when the wealthy British would travel to the continent? They preferred the shaded side of the ship, so their tickets were assigned “Port Over, Starboard Home”. And did you know that this and copious amounts of other ridiculous tidbits of useless information clog my brain to the point where there’s not much room for anything else? Seriously, my brain is full.

This could be an age-related thing, I’ll admit. But I think it’s only because I’m old enough to have gathered a ton of crap to clog me up, not because I’ve become forgetful. I’ll tell you something for nothing, though – it’s annoying as hell. When I was younger and less cluttered, I could meet you once and remember any and all details you may have told me, i.e. your birthday, spouse’s name, why you prefer pecans to walnuts – whatever! It was in there, easily accessed the next time we met. But now…now, your face may be familiar, maybe at a stretch, your name, but anything else – gone.

There was a show here in town recently where the theme was comics doing other comics material. The producer asked me if I wanted to perform, but while I’ve seen many, many friends perform many, many times, I’d be hard pressed to do even one of their bits verbatim. Hell, I have a hard enough time remembering my own material.

As a result, I’ve developed a defence mechanism. When people start chatting about their lives, I’ll listen with enthusiasm, I really will. But if there is too much detail, I’ll likely tune out. It’s not because I’m not interested, it’s because if I have to learn the name of your dog, or retain when your aunt is scheduled to visit, I may just lose something valuable, like my kids’ birthdays or a writing deadline. So, if you notice my eyes glazing over, please know that I’m sorry, but it truly is me, not you.

I have given up trying to figure out audiences. Actually, the idea of a group of people, no matter how large or small, who are mostly strangers to each other and you can be lumped together and treated as a unique entity is bizarre. But we do it all the time, as performers. We say “what a great audience” or “tough audience” and on and on.

Early on, we’re told “don’t blame the audience if you have a bad set” and “the audience is smarter than you realize”, like the audience is a living, breathing creature. But really, it’s not, it’s a whole bunch of individuals who happen to be sitting with a bunch of other individuals watching a comedy show. Scott Harris made mention of this in one of his MC’ing columns and I couldn’t agree more. Sure, they have the shared experience of the show in common, but often that’s where it ends. What does the hen party share with the middle aged couple or the staff of a dental office out for a company celebration?

And yet, and yet… there is always a feeling you get from the audience as a whole. It’s like everyone has made a tacit agreement to behave a certain way that night. For example, I MC’ed at Absolute Toronto the week before last; on the Friday night, I walked into the club and could literally feel the wonderful mood generated by the audience. There was a buzz in the air and a joyousness that permeated the room. Not shockingly, the show was fantastic. Big laughs, no bad sets, not even a flat joke. But then on the Saturday early show, it was a completely different vibe. Walking into the club I felt a discomfort from the audience, and a sense of piss-off-ed-ness. I saw people arguing at the box office, and others stomping angrily across the room. I have no idea why the mood was like that, but it was, and it came out in the show which was decent, but nowhere near the heights of the previous night.

Now one could argue that the comics might unintentionally react to the mood of the audience and give either a terrific show or a less than stellar one, but I think it’s more than that. I think that the members of the audience feel the intangible vibe of those around them and it moves from person to person like dominoes. And that in turn affects their whole demeanour for the show, which usually leads to an inevitable outcome – the show is wonderful, poor or simply “meh”.

Or, I could be full of shit and have spent waaaay too much time trying to figure this all out. Ultimately, though, we really don’t have any control over it, we can only do what we do – make ‘em laugh or die trying.

I’m astounded at all the things we have to teach our kids. I knew signing up that being a parent is hard work, but the pressure to not screw them up is stunning. So, Shane and I really have tried to raise kids who are hard working, kind, fun-loving and warm; and I think (so far) we’re doing a pretty good job. But since Maddy turned 13, I’ve really started watching the teenagers of the world because the upcoming years are going to be so different from the ones we’ve already had. And the one thing I’ve noticed is that the teenagers today (said in a raspy curmudgeonly voice) is lack of eye contact! These young ‘uns hardly look at each other! And that seems to have translated into young adults who can be blissfully unaware of the rest of the population.

Think about it, when kids play these days, they are usually plopped in front of a video game where they look not at each other, but the screen in front of them. I will allow that their on screen characters probably make eye contact before they blow them to kingdom come, but I’m pretty sure that doesn’t count.

Even walking up the street together, they’ll be chatting, but while they’re chatting will be looking down to their hands, texting madly. Or having a coffee at Starbucks – sure they’ll be at the same table, but they might as well be in different cities because although their coffees are side-by-side, their eyes are locked onto the laptops in front of them…crazy. Maybe that’s why shoes have become such an important (and expensive) thing – ‘cause that’s all your friends really see of you from one end of the day to the other.

This lack of eye contact phenomenon has led to kids who really don’t know how to be part of an audience, how to be aware of the crowds around them. Go to any movie and they’ll be talking away (and likely texting) – probably because they have a TV at home almost as big as the cinema screen, so perhaps think that they’re in their own basement. I dunno. We had a big group of first year college students at the club on Thursday; they had bought out the whole place for a fund raiser. And kudos to them! But when it came to show time, they truly didn’t know how to behave. They weren’t bad kids, just seemingly unequipped to shut up and watch a show, if for no other reason than to let everyone else enjoy it. Any time one of the comics would say something, they’d blurt out “Me too!” kind of noises. For example, you’d mention something about a cell phone and you’d hear murmurs of “I have a cell phone, too!” “So do I!”; exhausting and weird, indeed.

So, with this new found knowledge, I’m going to make sure my kids learn eye contact, and therefore, that there is a whole world around them. Because God knows when Maddy gets her first boyfriend, I don’t want to ask her if he’s cute and have her response to be “I don’t know”…“But he’s got awesome Nikes”.

In fact, I’m going to interrupt their game of “Call of Duty” right now and tell them so.