The Car in Front

Everyone has pet peeves when they drive; things that make them crazy.  Mine is pretty constant, it’s always the car directly in front of me.

I don’t know if it’s similar to my other curse, the tall-guy-in-the-theatre-in-front-of-me, but man-o-man do I get stuck behind the worst drivers in all the world.  Or at least it feels that way.

Hey car-in-front-of-me, do you really need to make a left there?  Hmmm?  ‘Cause there’s no way for me to go around you, so now I must wait with you until there’s a gap the size of Manitoba for you to get out of my way.

And speaking of left turns car-in-front-of-me, when we’re at an advanced green, move immediately!  Don’t look up and get mesmerized by the flashing light and think “oh, there’s an advanced green, I guess I should go now” then crawl at such a pace that you are the only one to make it through.  But I guess that’s all that matters, right?  Bastard.

If you absolutely must make a turn, car-in-front-of-me, indicate using your turn signals more that 2 seconds before said turn goddammit.  You turning should not be a surprise to either of us.

And, for the love of God, drive at the posted limit, at the very minimum! 42 km/h in 50km/h zone makes me, the-car-behind-you, demented.  Ya, ya, you make not get a speeding ticket, but I will have cursed you to hell and back, and that’s infinitely worse in the long run.

On the highway, car-in-front-of-me, do NOT drive in the passing lane, unless you are passing!  Crazy concept, wrap your head around it.

Do you think a row stuffed animals peering out the back window at me will placate me, car-in-front-of-me?  It will not!  In fact it will send me into a frenzy of contempt.  What are you thinking, anyway?  Certainly not that a row of beady plastic eyes and faux fur is cute, right?  Or whimsical?  Demonic, is what it is.  Point the feckers inwards, if you must have them – let your kids be freaked out by their constant, vacant stares.

In fact, do me a favour.  Pull over and let ME be the car-in-front-of-you.  I’ll show you how it’s done.  Unless, of course, the new car-in-front-of-me is useless.  Which is likely.

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