Dear 1989 Me

Dear 1989 Me,

Hi! It’s 2009 me, writing to give you a heads up about a few things.  Now, I’m not going to ruin all the fun and tell you everything, but thought it’d be helpful for you (erm, me) to have a few hints and tidbits to make everything easier all around.  You’re welcome!

First off, don’t give a second thought to that ass Andy.  He’s a narcissistic jerk who doesn’t care about you at all.  Stop calling him and showing up at the pub hoping to see him.  Seriously, you’re making a fool of yourself and he’ll be a blip of a memory soon enough.  But do start being friendly to any Irish guys you may meet in the next few years.

Appreciate how thin you are!  Yes, you are thin… trust me on this one.

Don’t have any more perms.

Enjoy that racoon fur coat you got as a grad gift as much as you can…soon, you’ll be forced to put it in a trunk in the basement never to be worn again.  Confusing, I know, just enjoy it & its silken deliciousness.

Skip “Turner & Hooch” and “The Cook, The Thief, His wife and Her Lover”.  Your time would be better spent rolling around in piles of poop.

Consider writing a book about a school for young wizards.  You might want to call the main character Harry Potter and the school Hogwarts.  In fact, don’t write just one book, write a whole whack of ‘em, like 7.  But do it soon!

Buy as much stock as you can for Microsoft, Time and Warner.  Like, give up nights out and clothes to do it.  Do NOT buy Exxon stock!!!

Also, buy a PC instead of that stereo.

Start writing jokes, or at least start a notebook and write down anything funny that occurs to you.

Spend less time with those friends who suck the life out of you!  You know who I mean, they’re fun, yes, but you would be better off without ‘em.  And don’t worry about a being a social retard at times.  The people who count won’t mind one little bit.

Don’t forget to wear make up to driver’s license photos renewals.  R.I.D.E. cops can be assholes.  And in the same vein, always come to a COMPLETE stop at the corner of Isabella and Huntley in Toronto.

And always, always wear sunscreen and moisturizer.  Just do it.

That’s all for now; but don’t worry, all will be well.

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