In about 30 minutes, I’m heading the airport to catch a flight to Edmonton. Shane is out west for work, so I’m joining for the weekend so that I can showcase at The Laugh Shop. Tonight, I’ll be at the Edmonton club, tomorrow in Calgary.
Because Andrew often writes about his travel exploits, I thought my contribution this week would be a sort of homage to him and recount my trip in real time. Fingers crossed my journey will be a fraction as interesting as his usually are.
10:42am – leave the house for airport, but first must stop at Tim Horton’s at the Esso. Mama needs a bacon/egg sandwich and coffee!
10:44am – holy crap! The Esso is chaos! Cars everywhere, everywhere… but am determined, so park at a weird angle, blocking two pumps and run in.
10:48am – mission accomplished. Happier now. Off to the airport.
11:10am – park in the reduced rate parking lot, see the shuttle bus in the distance so start to (semi) run. Slosh Timmies all over my hand and ram wheelie bag into my ankle…bloody, bloody, frickin’ heck. I wish I wasn’t such a cheap-ass.
11:15am – shuttle bus with only me on it departs. Probably didn’t have to run. Driver is very friendly and surprisingly young to be listening to classic rock.
11:23am – arrive at terminal and enjoy last cigarette with two women who are evidently celebrating “100 years of Bowling in Canada” – according to their (identical) shirts and a man whose red shirt reads “Proud to be a Canadian”. Likely an American. Watch as the people in BMW’s and Land Rovers use valet parking. Likely not comics.
11:35am – head to security where I realize I forgot to put my liquids in a baggie, so must open luggage and show all around me what toiletries I use. Why I even have a proper wash bag anymore is beyond me, because it is now virtually empty. At least they didn’t make me take off my shoes.
11:50am – walk to gate with fresh Timmies in hand. Am assaulted by a woman pushing TD Visas who demands I come over and talk to her. I keep walking. Also witness businessman getting a “10 minute massage” reclined at a funny angle with his head through a hole in the head rest…lovely for him, unpleasant for me.
12pm – at gate and approach Air Canada staff to change my window seat to an aisle. Now the drama will begin!
12:02pm – crap. The AC lady is lovely and accommodating.
12:10pm – pilots walking past to get on plane. They appear sober.
12:20pm – board the flight with no hassles. Sigh. Sorry people.
12:40pm – which movie, which movie? How about “Benjamin Button”? Though it’s 2h 45mins. Ah, well – what else do I have to do?
12:41pm – film interrupted for pilot’s announcements. Pilot’s name is Ted Kennedy. Rethinking the sober verdict.
12:43pm – film interrupted again! This time for “important safety video”… such fun – Toronto comic Mike Tackacs is in the video… way to put on the oxygen mask Mike!
12:49, 12:51, 1:07, 1:22 – film bloody interrupted!!!
Sitting with two young girls who seem nice enough but can’t seem to stop taking pictures of themselves. Holy narcissism, Batman. Across the aisle is a man with a briefcase full of Bibles. His wife is highlighting sections of “The Watchtower”. Look out Edmonton, Toronto Jehovah’s coming your way!
4:10pm – baby won’t stop kicking my seat… cliché, but true.
5:20pm (3:20 Edmonton time) – twenty minutes late, but that’s about the extent of the drama. Though I did learn on the drive in from the airport that at “Diamond’s Gentlemen’s Club” has “All Implants, All May”, which seems important to share.
I feel as if I’ve let all of you down, no excitement at all. I guess we can’t all have Andrew’s good luck.