A Prayer for One Nighters

Dear Comedy god, please deliver me the strength to face another one nighter.

By your grace, allow the road to be clear of all encumbrances including rain, snow, sleet, heavy traffic and crappy drivers. Please also provide me with directions that are accurate and coherent and given by someone who actually knows where I am supposed to go.

And for the journey, I beseech you to send companions who are pleasant and jovial with good taste in music; for I am not sure I possess the strength to endure many hours attempting civility with a prick.

Upon arrival to my destination, please provide facility representatives who are actually expecting me and perhaps even pleased at my presence. May they also go so far as to provide me with drink, sustenance and a private, preferably secure space to lay my belongings and prepare for the evening ahead.

May the patrons also be expecting me, for I am wont to appear on stage with no prior warning to others; for the wrath of a chicken-wing-eating, play-offs-watching soul is arduous to bear. I pray for the televisions to be off, the chairs facing forward and for the drunks to wander away until the end of the entertainment. I mean them no harm, though perhaps becoming locked in the handicapped washroom would be advantageous to all.

Please also provide me with a clear and agreeable introduction, a microphone that is true, a microphone stand that will obey my commands and light that is sufficiently illuminating, though not eye-gougingly bright.

Give me the grace to provide abundant laughter to those in attendance, and the fortitude to deal with those who wish to speak to me whilst onstage, for though many think they are coming to my aid, they are, in fact, a hindrance. Also provide me with good will and patience to interact later with those who would like to support me by providing witticisms from the internet, their Uncle Monty or of their own concoction, which “I can use in my act”.

Finally, may remuneration be expeditious and exact, so that I may bid a hasty farewell.

For all of these things, Comedy god, I ask of thee. Because really, is it too much to ask, dammit?


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