Martha O'Neill

So, here it is… I’ve been nominated for a Canadian Comedy Award for Stand Up Newcomer. I couldn’t be more thrilled, it’s a big deal to me. Now, my normal M.O. would be to demurely say that I’d really appreciate it if you’d vote for me, but don’t feel like you have to, but if you’d consider it, I’d really appreciate it, blah, blah, blah.

But not this time! This time I’m just gonna ask – vote for me. Please. (Sorry, can’t entirely change the M.O. of a lifetime). Why? you may ask. Searching my mind for an incontrovertible, undeniable reason and all I can come up with is “why not?” All the nominees are deserving, hard-working and funny; but I’m pretty sure I’m the only one balls-out asking you to vote for me (please). At least here, in Andrew’s blog.

In exchange for your vote (please note: this is by no means intended as vote-buying, just a heartfelt thanks for your consideration!) – I will either:

a) Make you a delicious cannoli (as soon as I figure out just what cannoli is)

Or

b) Spend one day answering your phone in either a posh British or country Irish accent (all I have in my accent arsenal, I’m afraid) and pretend to be your housekeeper or secretary – whichever you prefer!

(I did consider offering up my first born in exchange for your vote, but frankly, she’s in that awkward pre-teen phase that’s all eye-rolling, huffing and stomping out of the room unpleasantness – not such a great proposal, methinks!)

So really, it’s a win-win for everyone!

**NB – this is an “industry” vote – you have to be a member of ACTRA, The Writers Guild of Canada, The Directors Guild of Canada, Equity, CFTPA, UBCP, UDA or The Canadian Comedy Association – if you aren’t any of these – well, then, erm, disregard the above plea. But I still love you. Voting closes July 31st – everything you need to know is at: canadiancomedy.ca.

That’s all for this week. Martha out. Vote for me! (Please).

God knows, the world is full of assholes, but most of us are shocked when such blatant asshole-ish-ness is laid to bear.  Everyone has been witness to and/or a victim of ignorance and many affected by crime.  Even in the past months, a friend’s street was robbed, my purse was stolen from my car, my father had his house egged, and on and on.

There are all sorts of criminals and there are the general, day-to-day assholes, the aggressive drivers who are inexplicably rude; the store clerks who ignore you to the point that you feel like an idiot asking for help.   The eye-rollers, the finger-givers, the queue-jumpers, are rampant.

But today, for some reason, I’m feeling positively positive about people.  Maybe it’s the lovely weather, or the mini-vacation the family just had at my sister’s cottage, maybe it’s seeing the light at the end of the bathroom reno-tunnel, or perhaps it’s the Portuguese music I’ve been forced to listen to all day courtesy of my builders. I dunno.  Either way, I’ve been inspired to see all the gee-gosh-heck good people and appreciate them in a new light.

Let’s start with my contractor, a charming guy with a lovely crew, who, in addition to being quick and professional has both fixed my back fence which partly fell over during a windstorm (“I was worried the dog would escape, so I fixed your fence”) and repaired a few loose tiles on my roof (“there was wood exposed!”), also showed me the 40% contractors discount he got at the tile store.  I strongly suspect that most contractors would have pocketed much, if not all of the discount and I wouldn’t have been the wiser.

Then there was the homeless guy I saw walking down the street.  When my puppy and I passed, he smiled said “Dogs are like kids, they make you feel important”.  His positive outlook despite his outwardly bleak lifestyle was stunning.

Then there’s my friend Karen, who has walked my dog almost every day of the last year, when my daughter’s school run was long and my mother ill in hospital.  She’s done so much more, but that, in itself was such a huge kindness I can’t begin to tell you how much I appreciated it.

And then, the other day when I was buying my daughter a new swimsuit – the clerk in the store whispered to me that “tomorrow, those are going on sale, half-price” – she didn’t have to tell me, but because she did, I saved $25.00.

Even the guy who let me through go first at the stop sign today put a smile on my face.

These are just a few stories of the past days and there are many more.  There are a lot of fantastic people out there.  And I think the reason I love doing stand up so much is that, as hard as it is, when you can make an audience laugh, it’s a joyful, honest reaction.  And really, the assholes of the world can’t take that away from any of us.

Earlier this week, I had to submit a bio to someone.  I have a couple written, but this one could only be 50-100 words, so spent some time re-jigging what I have to make it fit.  Therefore, I’ve been thinking about bio’s a lot these past few days, and what a crazy thing they are.

I understand why they are necessary, what I don’t understand is how to put one together without sounding like the most egocentric toff in the world;  because, as everyone knows, we all write our own bio’s; even if we write them (rather uncomfortably) in the third person.  The Queen speaks in “the Royal We”, as in, “We are very happy to be visiting the flower show today”, because, seemingly, she is speaking as Britain.  Weird, but that’s how she rolls.  Weirder still is writing your own bio in the third person as if someone else has written it for us.  Who we are fooling, I don’t know… maybe it’s just easier to be generous with ourselves and our accomplishments if we don’t have to sound like it’s coming from us.

So, here’s what I submitted:

“Martha O’Neill’s wry, edgy comedy is at odds with her likeable stage presence, making her an audience favourite in clubs and venues across Canada, Dublin and London; and she recently showcased for Just for Laughs.

After years of performing improv and sketch, this Toronto native made the leap to stand up three years ago and we’re darn happy she did.

(**I then added the following rather silly close, because, really, I couldn’t help myself…)

On a personal note, she is proud to announce that she has recently mastered revolving doors.  Through years of practice and trial and error she can now exit malls with virtually no problem.  Like comedy, it’s all about the timing.”

But here is what I would have preferred to submit, if bio’s were really allowed to be honest and we weren’t concerned with self-promotion and third-person speak:

“When I started doing comedy, it was all for a bit of fun and to get out of the house and away from the kids for some “me” time…  While I’ve always loved performing in general, I chose comedy because I’m not fit enough for tennis, dextrous enough for jewellery classes or bendy enough for yoga.

So believe me when I tell you that I’m as shocked as anyone that I’ve stuck with it this long, loved it as much as I do and have progressed far enough that anyone would want a “bio” in the first place.  Frankly, I’m just glad that people laugh at my jokes and that I get paid to tell them.”

I knew this week would come, didn’t know when, but here it is… I’ve got nothing. I think I’ve mentioned in other columns that I usually have a good idea early in the week what the next column will be about and if I don’t then find by the last minute something occurs to me. This week, nadda; and I’ll tell you why – on Wednesday, we started renovations on all three of our bathrooms. My life (and brain) has been consumed with thoughts of tiles, toilets (harder to shop for than one would imagine!), vanities, taps, and how we’re going to pay for the whole bloody thing.

If this was a plumbing blog, I’d be golden. I’ve learned more about shower heads, limestone vs. porcelain, “comfort height” toilets and on and on. As it is, however, a comedy blog, I’m afraid my contribution will be perfunctory, and for that I apologize. I would also like to take this opportunity to apologize to all of my very patient friends who have been regaled with numerous, riveting, bathroom stories. “So, I went with a rain-type showerhead and a vessel sink for the guest bathroom! Erm, are you awake?”

You can’t entirely blame me, it’s a big learning curve and a lot of money I don’t want to flush away (hardy, har) and the pressure (again! …I kill me) has been intense. For example, here’s how my Wednesday went: leave before the crew arrives for the dread school run; grab a Timmie’s where I get a panicked call from Shane “We have to have all the taps and shower heads bought by TODAY!” Crap (that’s it, I promise) – I haven’t even looked at that stuff, figured they were more like bathroom jewellery, as it were. Okay, okay, I’m an idiot, but there you have it. Then the contractor calls to say the exact same thing Shane did, though he gives me ‘til the next morning or the whole project will be delayed by weeks! Problem is, though, I have the day booked to (finally) do my website photos. Panic begins to set in.

So I drive off to the photographers trying to figure out how I was going to pull this off. Then I get a call from my friend who has my pup for the day – the dog is sick, throwing up and limp in her arms. Really?! She promised to watch her and keep me updated. I do the photo shoot (which turned out quite well, I think), then take my daughter out of school early, run to the plumbing store and stare at the taps like a demented magpie. My eyes actually glaze over. I take dozens of photos of all kinds of taps to show Shane, all the while thinking, who have I become? A bathroom bore, that’s who! I then take the daughter home, pick up the son from drama, cuddle the much improved pup, order Swiss Chalet, acknowledge Shane’s arrival home from work and run out the door to watch my friend do her first Pro-Am set at Absolute. I look a mess, with full photo make up on (complete with fake eyelashes), matched with my sloppy yoga pants and t-shirt, which is covered in a fine layer of plaster dust. On the upside, my friend did quite well and I got to see Steve Levine headline for the first time, which was a pleasure… (Please note – sole comedy reference for entire column). Go home and collapse in bed.

Thursday, much the same, then today, Friday, while doing less actual decision making, still thinking of little else… toilet tedious, but self-aware, at the very least.

Back to regular programming next week, I promise.

You’d think the most important thing about comedy would be the funny.  Which, I suppose is true.  But I’m thinking a close number 2 would be time.  Holy crap, but are comics ever obsessed with time.

I know, I know – everyone is consumed with time.  Not enough hours in the day, getting older, deadlines, schedules, everything in our lives is dictated by time.  But if you want to discuss time, ad nauseum, talk to a comic.

Even before you take the stage to try stand up for the first time, people start throwing it at you… have you got 5 minutes yet?  What?!  Of course I do!  Hell, I have, easily, 20 minutes of stuff I can talk about on stage!  Ha, ha!  No you don’t!  Oh, how quickly we learn that 5 minutes is a long, long time, indeed.

After weeks of writing, honing; you finally have your 5 minutes… ish.  And no one ever warns the newbies just how friggin’ important a precise 5 minutes is… but boy-oh-boy will you hear about it at an open mic, pro-am night, whatever, when you go over by two minutes, or only end up doing 3.  Because time on stage is a different beast to time in the real world… it feels different in ways that are hard to put words to.  The best I can come up with right now is that it feels like a hazy walk through Jell-o, unreal and out of place.

Then, you move up to 7 minutes.  2 extra minutes?  Piece of cake!  Ha!  We all know that on a traditional clock, 2 minutes is about how long it takes to make a left turn at a busy intersection, or peeling an orange.  On stage, it’s like driving from home to the cottage.  Or it can be.  Alternately, it can be a blink.

The next step, generally, is 10-12 minutes.  How is it that we’re so pedantic?  Ultimately, it’s about providing a show that’s long enough for the audience, but not so long we tire them out (poor things).  Actually, I really do understand the why, but boy do we ever dwell on it!

On to 15-20 minutes.  Now we’re getting a bit of wiggle room, but it’s taken the better part of 1 to 2 years to create this (seemingly) short set.  Hell, I can waste 20 minutes surfing friends’ profiles on Facebook (and yes, I mean YOUR profile – creepy, but true, God bless Facebook!)

Onward, up to 30 minutes, then 45, then (though I can’t imagine it at this point) an hour or more…I’d say I have a solid 30 minutes now, after 3 years of writing, working, trying and discarding.  Hardly seems like much, but anyone who does comedy knows that my numbers aren’t shocking.  We all have a lot more material written, but must (sadly) dump many, many minutes if they just don’t work.  It’s a necessary evil, but I still mourn the passing of many a bit to which I was rather attached…and all that time down the drain!

I’m constantly amazed how comics are judged by their time-keeping; he always goes under time, all the other comics have to make up what he couldn’t/wouldn’t do! She always goes over – what a stage hog!  Now the MC will have to cut time out of his set!

Most rooms and clubs have some sort of lighting system, to let you know where you are in your time-universe.  Sometimes a comic doesn’t see the light, sometimes a comic doesn’t care.  I, personally, obsess over doing the right amount of time.  I strongly associate it with professionalism and never want to be known for not sticking to my time.  I’ve bought watches with big dials, timers that buzz in my pocket, have friends in the audience give me a signal;  but find that I usually end up in that crazy joke-telling hole that seems to transcend time.  If I become conscious of the time, the light, whatever, I tend to lose my stride and get out of my head.  Thankfully, I’ve done enough shows now to write a set list that is usually pretty accurate.  But God knows I’ve been guilty of both going over and going under time.  I just look forward to the day that it all flows without effort and time isn’t an issue.  But the questions remains; will that time ever come?