Martha O'Neill

Must keep this short this week, can only afford to take a few minutes out of my intense training regime! Am in the final training crunch before tonight’s “Stand Up & Bite Me” contest! Have participated (with varying degrees of success) in other comedy contests, so decided, this time, to create a strict regime to ready myself for what will undoubtedly be a bloodbath.

Don’t want to give away too many of my secrets, but here are some highlights of my path to preparedness:

– First half of week – all protein, all the time! (i.e. all Hot Rods, all the time) – This has made me stronger, giving me the stamina to give it my all for the almost 8 minutes I’m required to perform! It has also made me break out in pimples, so pray the cameras do not get too close.

– Second half of the week all carbs (i.e. all popcorn), all the time! I am now enjoying bursts of high energy which will hopefully not fizzle out by the 10:45pm showtime.

– Ear plugs have been worn all week, so that I can remain focussed on my goal – distractions will only deter! The kids seem a little put out, but they know where the crackers and Sunny D are, goddamit!

– Have written “You suck” on each of my competitors Facebook walls. Psych!

– Pacing, a lot. Working on my physical rhythm (and burning off some of the excess carbs, boy they really work!) Cutting edge, I know, but hopefully, effective.

– Later today, plan to do yoga and meditate. Have never attempted either, but will google how to do it and predict I will become a Zen-like machine.

– Subway tokens and Spanx bought and ready to go!

And there you have it, my sure-fire method to dominate!

Oh ya, and just before I leave, plan to scour my inbox for jokes people have sent me over the past while, which I will memorize and execute tonight, because I understand there is a joke-telling aspect to the whole thing.

Gonna be good times.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

O’Neill Children Finally Return to School

Toronto, Ontario. September, 2009.

After what appeared to be the longest summer in recorded history, Tom & Madeleine O’Neill have, at last, returned to school.  Their exhausted parents heaved a sigh relief as the bus finally pulled away from the corner early Tuesday morning.

“Boy, was that really only 2 ½ months?  Felt like longer!” remarked the children’s father, Shane.

Both Madeleine and Tom were supplied with the usual accoutrements one would expect when preparing for a new school year; shoes, haircuts, pencils, lunchboxes and backpacks.  It is worthy of note that neither O’Neill child chose supplies bearing cartoon or TV characters this year.  “We’re not little kids anymore, sheesh”, said Madeleine as she rolled her eyes and crossed her arms.  Tom was perhaps the more excited of the two to return to school saying “I’m sick of the cottage!”  Due to Toronto’s city workers strike, young Tom was unable to go to day camp, so remarkably, has spent virtually every day of the summer with his beleaguered mother.

The children’s mother, Martha O’Neill, was not immediately available for comment, due to the fact that she sprained her ankle attempting to leap-frog a fire hydrant yelling “I’m free!  I’m free! Mimosa’s for mommy!”

I was talking to another comic at an open mic recently.  He had just got his permit to work in the U.S., so I asked him what he had to do to get it.  Most of what he said made sense; press clippings, resume, references, basically, proof that you are a working, in demand comedian.  Plus of course, the steep legal fees for “processing”.  But there was one thing on the list of “must haves” that utterly confounded me…he said you need to provide photos of yourself with celebrities.  Erm, really?  When I asked him why, he really didn’t know, but thought maybe they (the U.S. Immigration people) want to see that you know famous people.

This is nuts on so many levels.  First off, define celebrity!  I mean, I could go around trying to take pictures of myself with any number of people I consider comedy celebrities in Canada; Mike Wilmot, Jon Dore, Debra DiGiovanni, Jeremy Hotz, Sean Cullen etc etc – but with all due respect to these guys, I truly doubt that most Canadians would necessarily even recognize them, never mind American authorities.  Which I know speaks volumes about the state of the Canadian entertainment industry, but that’s another kettle of apathy altogether…

So where does that leave you?  Do they expect pictures of you with Jay Leno or David Letterman?  Even if it were possible, would they be okay with a picture from the time you stood outside the studio waiting for their show-tapings to end?  Or does it have to be you with Kathy Griffin playing tennis or having dinner together?

Do they have to even be comedy celebrities?  I mean, the Toronto Film Fest is on right now, maybe I should scurry downtown and elbow my way to the edges of the red carpets to try to get a photo of me with George Clooney or Kevin Spacey.  I’d have to be very pushy, yelling “Outta the way, mama needs a work permit!”  Alternately, I could go to something like Fan Expo and pay $60 to get a picture of me with Leonard Nimoy or Linda Hamilton.  I mean, what’s another couple hundred bucks, right?

Of the pictures of me-with-a-famous-person I already do have (not counting the few with Canadian comedy celebs), there’s really only two; one with me, my friend and Louis C.K. taken after he signed my DVD after his show last December and one with me and Bob Izumi (we’d just caught a wee shark!) taken from the days when I working on his fishing show;  a paltry collection, to be sure.  The fact is, I’ve been lucky enough to meet a lot of celebrities, between my days working at the Forum at Ontario Place and the days I worked at CBC & NBC…but it never occurred to me to pull out my camera and build a repertoire of U.S. Immigration-worthy photos.  Oh, to have had the foresight!  I feel like such a putz.  A putz who will probably never work the the States.  Sigh.

I like to think that though I’m a bit older than my comedy peers, I get along with everyone, regardless of age – younger, older – doesn’t matter. I am aware that I shouldn’t wear short skirts and toe rings anymore, but like to think that I’m not overly middle-aged. I like the ‘80’s music, but I also like the new stuff. Halo’s a blast, but I totally remember Pong. I’m current on pop culture and current affairs; I’m actually in a pretty cool place, age-wise… I’ve honestly never considered myself part of a particular generation until recently, yesterday, in fact…more on that later.

Now that I think about it, the age-group I belong to is a pretty weird slice of society. For example, when Canada went metric, we were old enough to have learned a fair bit about imperial, but not so much that metric was un-learnable. As a result, I’m a jumble. I do weight in pounds and ounces, but distance and speed in kilometres; cooking in tablespoons and cups, but wine in litres. Temperatures are really f*cked up – I do hot in Fahrenheit and cold in Celsius…as in, “boy it was so hot yesterday, like 85 degrees!” (ya, right, not this summer!) Or “better wear a hat it’s going down to -10 today”.

But the one thing that’s making me feel like I’m stuck in some sort of “angry-fist-waving, you-kids-have-it-so-easy” place is the bloody computer. I know Andrew is super-computer savvy. As are many people my age and older. But most of my peers can only use a computer, yet are a far cry from mastering it. Yell at me if you like, but this is what I see. And it’s not entirely my fault, it’s my age. Sure, we had computer classes in high school, but (I kid not) – had to pencil in endless holes on pieces of cardboard, in some magical way that now entirely escapes me, these would then get sent away to a university lab, and a week later we’d get endless sheets of computer print out that would tell us (somehow) if we’d done the work correctly. That’s really all I remember, except that the language was FORTRAN and I took exactly zero away from those two years.

So now, although my life seems to centre around the bleedin’ thing, I really don’t understand it. Frankly, computers scare me. I’m terrified of pressing a button and losing everything. I’m not even sure if I can close my laptop when it’s still on. Yet I’m constantly amazed by the web, the stuff that’s on YouTube, I’m addicted to Facebook and can’t remember life before email.

Though lately, I’ve had to learn how to edit video on the thing. Shane went and bought me “a really easy” editing program (ha!) but it continues to flummox me. I’m a little embarrassed to admit that I used to be a TV producer and could edit news spot, promos, whatever! But that was analog…and I know, I know, digital is easier (ostensibly) – but don’t try to tell me that as I sit in my kitchen screaming at the thing. I have so far managed to put together a 7 min stand up clip, then a 14 minute clip – but you have NO idea how many hours that took. Yesterday, however, I had to put together a 10 minute clip – piece of cake, I think! I’ll just lob off around 4 minutes of the previous, longer item and voila! But God help me, I sat in front of my “really easy” program for the better part of an afternoon, totally unable to do it. Finally, I called my 8 year old (8!!!) and asked him if he had any idea what to do…seriously, two clicks of the mouse and a nanosecond later, it was done. I felt like both hugging him and punching him (I went for the hug, punched the fridge later). But never have I felt older and more of a different generation. Seriously, don’t even get me started on how long it took me to upload the fecker onto a website for submission. I may cry.

Space Invaders, anyone?

I don’t think it’s just me, but hasn’t this been a strange (frickin’) summer so far, kids?

Maybe it is just me… between the unbelievably cold weather (wtf?) and the never-ending garbage/city strike here in Toronto (my son’s camp was cancelled!!! No mommy-time for you, Martha!). Add to that the crazy celebrity die-off (seriously, Walter, but you are the last allowed to go until September!) But the general feeling of the whole thing; people seem off. Perhaps I’m hyper aware of everything – this is the first summer without my mother – first of everything this year is going to be difficult/weird. We’ve also had major disruptions starting with the dog being spayed (NOT a happy time in the O’Neill homestead, just so you know!), followed by the almost immediate appearance of a crew of men who have been tearing apart and subsequently rebuilding (at crippling expense) all of our bathrooms…

But there’s a feeling of “meh” in the air. Instead of the feverish patio jumping/concert going/water park fun I normally associate with these months, I’m getting a sense of eye-rolling “poor us”-ness. And it’s contagious. It’s trickled down to me – and I’m seriously a summer keener of massive proportions, but I’m finding it hard even crack open and try all the different barbeque sauces I bought last winter in Florida in anticipation of these months (and they are all delicious-sounding, believe you me!)

(*Aside – apologies for the plethora of brackets in today’s column – can’t explain it – just feeling struck by parenthesis-itis tm!) (And exclamation-pointy tm!)

On top of that, for me, it’s been an exasperatingly slow time for the ol’ comedy (‘cause it inevitably comes back to that, non?). Traditionally, this is a slow time for everyone in comedy. I tend not to book into too many shows, expecting to be busy with the concerts/patios/barbeques etc – but I’m usually writing like a madwoman… maybe it’s the self-inflicted lull that inspires me, I dunno – but not only have I only performed twice in the past 3 weeks, but I’ve written virtually nothing! Not panicking, yet – but come on! Where’s my mojo? (Ha! Like I actually HAVE mojo – whatever that means out of the 80’s context…) – but you know what I mean.

Even this column – a once a week thing, and I’m struggling for content. I went to the JFL Homegrown show tonight in Toronto, and seriously considered doing a “review” for today’s blog – but got there and was overcome with “naw”. (In fact the show was terrific, all of the comics did an outstanding job, though the winner was Mark Little, runner-up Graham Chittenden – both worthy and hilarious). I did get to finally meet Nancy Beaven, who was lovely and got to mingle with a lot of people I admire – which just made me all the more frustrated at how much better I need to get.

God, nothing’s going to make me happy this summer is it? Don’t let me down, August, that’s all I’ve got to say!

P.S. I did see “Harry Potter and the Blah, Blah, Blah” today – and aside from Harry’s post-pubescent attractiveness (creepy? Sorry…) – Winston’s review was pretty much dead on.