I knew this week would come, didn’t know when, but here it is… I’ve got nothing. I think I’ve mentioned in other columns that I usually have a good idea early in the week what the next column will be about and if I don’t then find by the last minute something occurs to me. This week, nadda; and I’ll tell you why – on Wednesday, we started renovations on all three of our bathrooms. My life (and brain) has been consumed with thoughts of tiles, toilets (harder to shop for than one would imagine!), vanities, taps, and how we’re going to pay for the whole bloody thing.
If this was a plumbing blog, I’d be golden. I’ve learned more about shower heads, limestone vs. porcelain, “comfort height” toilets and on and on. As it is, however, a comedy blog, I’m afraid my contribution will be perfunctory, and for that I apologize. I would also like to take this opportunity to apologize to all of my very patient friends who have been regaled with numerous, riveting, bathroom stories. “So, I went with a rain-type showerhead and a vessel sink for the guest bathroom! Erm, are you awake?”
You can’t entirely blame me, it’s a big learning curve and a lot of money I don’t want to flush away (hardy, har) and the pressure (again! …I kill me) has been intense. For example, here’s how my Wednesday went: leave before the crew arrives for the dread school run; grab a Timmie’s where I get a panicked call from Shane “We have to have all the taps and shower heads bought by TODAY!” Crap (that’s it, I promise) – I haven’t even looked at that stuff, figured they were more like bathroom jewellery, as it were. Okay, okay, I’m an idiot, but there you have it. Then the contractor calls to say the exact same thing Shane did, though he gives me ‘til the next morning or the whole project will be delayed by weeks! Problem is, though, I have the day booked to (finally) do my website photos. Panic begins to set in.
So I drive off to the photographers trying to figure out how I was going to pull this off. Then I get a call from my friend who has my pup for the day – the dog is sick, throwing up and limp in her arms. Really?! She promised to watch her and keep me updated. I do the photo shoot (which turned out quite well, I think), then take my daughter out of school early, run to the plumbing store and stare at the taps like a demented magpie. My eyes actually glaze over. I take dozens of photos of all kinds of taps to show Shane, all the while thinking, who have I become? A bathroom bore, that’s who! I then take the daughter home, pick up the son from drama, cuddle the much improved pup, order Swiss Chalet, acknowledge Shane’s arrival home from work and run out the door to watch my friend do her first Pro-Am set at Absolute. I look a mess, with full photo make up on (complete with fake eyelashes), matched with my sloppy yoga pants and t-shirt, which is covered in a fine layer of plaster dust. On the upside, my friend did quite well and I got to see Steve Levine headline for the first time, which was a pleasure… (Please note – sole comedy reference for entire column). Go home and collapse in bed.
Thursday, much the same, then today, Friday, while doing less actual decision making, still thinking of little else… toilet tedious, but self-aware, at the very least.
Back to regular programming next week, I promise.